…pulling dread and wonder between atrophy and inertia. To practice is to keep going.

Art is being willing to play the fool, to cite the things that others keep below, to manifest things no one imagined wanting.

When I’m writing research, synthesizing information – when disparate pieces of data are connected and suddenly form meaning, suggest a story that did not exist there ’til that moment – there are always these pounding pauses when I have to make slow, exalted exhales. Can’t move straight on to the next thing, although Time is pressing. Must keep moving.

It is a definitive kind of happiness. Followed by humility tempering the exaltation, asking, are you sure? What might others have to say about this? How might others interpret this differently?

It’s difficult and then it’s such a pleasure. Working my way through research problems. Sorting out how to design one study while working through the analysis and write up for another.

This is just a note to self and anyone in need of hearing this: It is difficult. But then it will be a pleasure. Get through the difficult part. Know that pleasure lies ahead. Don’t rush and don’t dawdle. Take the time it takes. The solution will be elegant and delightful. It will be a relief and joy to re-view. From chaos to order, from mangled goo to meaningful arrangements. Before and after.

This is true of design, research, art, and all things.

Like having difficult conversations.

I’m stretching white gauze fabric over a canvas frame trying to make a translucent room divider that will double as a place to pin thoughts and images while I work.

Since all the shows and events involving me as designer ended about a week ago I’ve gone from a much more extroverted collaboratory life to a much more interior research-based existence. Reading, planning and preparing to write. I’m cooking more. At night, I take myself on romantic solo walks and bike rides. It’s romantic because I think the kinds of things one would if one were in a romantic mood. Dreamy, desirous, positive, wistful, anticipatory…

I made a personal meme. It’s a photo of myself stretched out, sitting alone, with the words ‘sitting being romantic by myself’ or something like that. I sent it to a friend in explanation that this is more or less all I do with my time.

Sit alone and romanticize my solitude.

This white gauze is a biatch to stretch but when I’m done I think it’ll make a nice addition to my work space.